Married is the New Single

They're everywhere, in your church, your office, your school, your supermarket and your nightclub and they are very much very much on the prowl. I'm talking about the new breed of single and searching men in Lagos- the married men!

Yes oh, you definitely read right. One thing that struck me about Lagos is the dearth of single men about. They're either in a relationship, engaged or married. In fact I'm so used to it now that if I meet an eligible single guy, I automatically assume there is something wrong with him which is why he is single… though he'll definitely be in a relationship before I can blink.

Now in the place I work, there are so many beautiful single women who are passing or have passed their "sell by date." There are many schools of thought as to why these women are still single: they have bad attitudes, they make too much money, they're too assertive etc. On the flip side, almost all the men are married by the time they are 32, even with the aforementioned characteristics. It doesn't matter what they look like or what kind of personality they have, they will find a wife with relative ease. It's like a lot of women will take whatever they can get as long as it means they will be Mrs Whatever… but that's a (one-sided) discussion for another day.

Based on the experiences I've had since I moved back, I truly believe that the men in Lagos, have absolutely no regard for marriage. The ease with which they cheat, openly and without fear, astounds me. Even the women here justify and enable their actions. It's an appalling situation. *side eye, smh, facepalm etc*

I'd say 80% of the guys that have hit on me since I've been back have been married or on the verge of getting married. They tell me how much they love their wives/girlfriends and then ask me out in the same breath. It's not just men who have been married for years that are guilty of this. Newly weds (I'm talking got married an hour ago kinda new) and about to weds are hunting. They are hunting! Why is it that they are not satisfied with just one woman? This town ohhhhh…

One also has to remember that if these men cheat, they will lie (though most are open about their marital status), so checking for a ring or asking if they are married may not always cover you. It is important to tread very carefully.

I believe that this situation is caused by the fact that Nigerians are always in a hurry. To drive, to give opinions, to take advantage, to get married. Everything na hurry hurry gra gra… Because they want to be big boys (let's face it, having a wife for a lot of men is a status thing more than a love thing or due to familial pressure) they rush into marriage with women they don't particularly like. They're also still quite emotionally immature when they take the plunge… but I'm not a psychologist so don't quote me on that.

I'm sick of it. Of being hit on by men who have promised to love and obey. Who have pledged fidelity to their partners, who have promised honesty and dedication… KMFT. All you girls that get swept up in affairs with married men and are dazzled by the gifts and attention they lavish on you, remember that divorce is still a fairly rare occurrence in Nigeria and it is highly unlikely that he will leave his wife for you. Even if he does, you can expect him to cheat on you too.

After the experiences I've had (some of which I will blog about in another post), I'm starting to feel like maybe not getting married is not the end of the world. I don't want to be one of those women who settles because she's getting old or because of societal pressure. Wouldn't it be better to be alone than to be unhappy in a loveless marriage with 5 kids?

Bargaining in Lagos 101/ Market Shopping

If like me, you're not used to going to markets without the word "super" in front of their names, then you will need this guide in order to survive. The two cardinal rules of bargaining in Lagos are:

1. Do not have a fancy foreign accent. That is just the opposite of a discount code in Nigeria. As soon as you open your mouth, the price of everything triples.

2. Speak a local language, failing that, speak pidgin. But try not to let your pesky oyinbo accent show.

These are the two main rules but here's more based on experiences I've had.

1. If your oyinbo accent is strong and you can't speak pidgin or a local language (I started learning Yoruba as soon as I arrived in Lagos) then find someone to go with. Let the person do all the talking and keep your mouth shut. Seriously, don't speak. Stand there and look pretty... But not too pretty cos that will give you away. Look a bit rough at least. And look mean. If you must speak, whisper in your companion's ear mafia don style.

2. Don't convert the prices of what you're buying into pounds, dollars, euros or whatever and think to yourself "oh that's cheap". That's how I ended up paying N1,600 for a few passport photographs. It's not cheap oh!!! They will suave you! Just assume everything in Nigeria is cheaper as standard.

3. Be sure to examine the products you want to buy minutely before walking off with it. Dey no dey do returns or exchange for Naija oh! When you buy stuff abroad, in most cases you can be assured of its quality. But in Naija, you have to be careful. Check what you're buying right in the store before handing over money and walking away with it.

4. Attitude is everything. Act like you don't really need the thing you're buying and you're only shopping out of boredom. Be prepared to walk away if need be. More often than not, they will call you back and give you the price you want... They'd probably even have accepted less but too late now.

5. If they give in too easily, be suspicious. Yesterday I thought I'd gotten a good deal on some fruits and was congratulating myself on my bad ass negotiating skills, but I got home to find out that the watermelon was unripe and the pineapple was over ripe *insert BB angry face*. That kinda screwed up the fruit salad I was gonna make for my dad. Good thing he likes pineapples.

6. The basic rule of negotiation is this: take the price you've been given, halve it and then keep adding more until you meet in the middle. I recommend going even lower than half. I tried my luck yesterday when I went shopping for jewellery supplies. Some of the items I purchased were priced at N500 each. I said I'd pay N100, the lady said hell no N300 last, so I threw in some of the yoruba words I know and was about to do my bad ass walking away move... When I got called back and we settled on N150 *bad ass*. The fact that I didn't really need the stuff is not the point. I am a bad ass negotiator is the point.

7. Do not go shopping with a guy. Just don't. Sure they're great pack animals and all but.. They whine! They bloody whine! They don't understand the intricate art of negotiating till we're blue in the face. They believe in silly things like paying full price just for convenience. They just have so much to learn. Leave them in the car with a video game and a juice box and they'll be perfectly happy.

8. Nigerian adverts lie. Blatantly! Nigerian products lie too. There's so much lying everywhere I don't know how we stand it. Look at the picture of the biscuits above. Study the name and description : Butterbread All Butter Shortbread. Now this creates images of crumbly buttery goodness. Right? Wrong! The fact that it only cost N50 should have tipped me off. But I went for it anyway. Then I read the ingredient list. There was no butter anywhere! Well there was "butter flavor" on the list. It doesn't matter. I still felt used and betrayed. I have never gotten over that.

9. If you are female, you will probably get stalked through the market. I didn't understand why politeness was a bad thing until Z came and showed me how to bad assedly chase off a perching would be suitor and still maintain your fly. I went to a market in Ifako with Z to get food stuffs. My first time going without a veteran. I'd been with my aunt before so I had an idea of the prices to pay. So we were jejely doing our thing when we realised we were under scrutiny. I assumed my gorgeous dreadlocked and tattooed friend was the subject of attention. But no. It was me. Shit. Long story short, dude came over and asked for my number, I said no politely. But he followed us all over anyway till Z shooed him. "She said she's not interested, leave us alone!"

I'm a busy bee these days, so much to get done including Oste Accessories orders to fill and other new businesses being set up. There are not enough hours in my day! I love it =D
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone provided by Airtel Nigeria.

To My BFF

Just a few things that will forever remind me of you.

1. Stef- Technically you're her daddy since you were largely the inspiration behind me having her in the first place, so this makes you my baby daddy. So when we fight, does it mean you're having baby momma drama?

2. Kilishi- I have gorged myself on the stuff in the past few days… the real stuff from the north not the plastic kind we had to settle for while you were here. Not quite the same eating it without you. I remember the days we sat in bed and got kilishi crumbs everywhere. I had kilishi and Oreos for breakfast yesterday. My stomach got very angry with me later, but the fact is, I will defy said stomach for this combination of deliciousness any day. By the way I'm low on Oreos and I need a top-up *subtle hint*.

3. Nutri-C- I really don't need to say any more do I?

4. Special Brand- *sniggers*

5. Cats- Yuck! You're weird, but you're definitely the sexiest oddest cat person I know. And you don't smell weird. Which rocks.

6. Clumps of hair- Yeah you left those all over my bathroom… If I decided to make a Zara voodoo doll one day…. Just saying.

7. Sideshow Bob- Remember when you had a big red fluffy fro? Now you have those… those….

8. Let it happen bro- *sniggers*

9. Security Men- Remember the one at Shoprite? *falls on the floor laughing*

10. Flan and peas- You really are gross, forcing me to eat veggies… yuck yuck yuck!

11. Tattoos- I took your tattoo virginity but now you're a tattoo whore! How dare you leave me behind…

12. Drinking Glasses- I'm still cleaning up bits of glass and I everytime I think of you, I hide the ones in my line of sight. Lovingly. I hide them lovingly. No really I do.

13. Pouches- If you were a kangaroo I would so live in your pouch.

14. Stupidity- Not cos you're stupid (no really) but cos you always know just the right reaction to stupid.

15. Skype- Remember the marathon transatlantic skype sessions we used to have? The ones that made our sig.oths jealous?

16. Laughter- Nobody makes me laugh harder than you. You stoopid.

17. Dancing- Child but you can move! Making all those guys wish you were checking for them….

18. Purple- For the life of me, I can't remember your favourite colour. But this is mine and I command you to like it too.

19. Bloggie- Our first child… dude we so don't need the cats, we've got enough children already. Crooks would make a nice shish kabob and Jags would be wonderful in a casserole… *digs out recipe book*

20. Children- *reaches for recipe book again*

These are only some of the things that make me think of you and I miss you so much. Damn this pesky puddle between us Λ
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone provided by Airtel Nigeria.

Driving in Lagos

….. is hazardous to your health. It causes wrinkles, bad language and heart palpitations.

I'm not kidding… shoot even walking on the streets can get you killed.

If you wanna be a fool anyway and get behind the wheel of a car in Lagos, here are a few things you should know and/or do:

1. Pack a picnic and lots of water if you're planning to go anywhere between 6am and 10pm on a work day and some weekends because it doesn't matter where you're going or how far away it is. You're in Lagos. There will be traffic. As sure as Nigerian food seems to always have sand in it. Leave at least 3 hours early if possible ( I work 30 minutes away from where I live and I have to leave before 6am to get to work by 8am).

2. Make friends with your horn. Get comfortable with it. Meet its family and room mates and fall in love with it and take it to bed because you will be fondling that baby a lot… making love to it in the heat of passion…. Loud passionate love accompanied by guttural declarations of…. Ahem. Well you get my point. Also practice your hand gestures… the rude ones. Embrace road rage.

3. Do not drive a shiny new car if you mind getting dents and scratches on it. Cos it will happen. You don't even have to be driving for your car to get hit.

4. In other countries, you can get away with just focusing on the car in front of you while driving… but if you try that nonsense here… hehhh heehhhhh… If you plan to drive in Lagos, develop eyes on the sides and back of your head. Shoot, if you can squeeze a pair on top, go for it. You have to keep your eyes on the car in front of you, the ones beside you, the cars adjacent to you, the one behind you and the okada that will come from nowhere in 3, 2, 1…

5. If you are going to knock down an okada be sure… and I repeat…. Be absolutely sure that you get it right the first time (and that there are no unsympathetic witnesses). If you're not in a brutal mood (but trust me, an hour in Lagos traffic and you will cheerfully murder the next LASTMA official that you see) you can settle for just splashing them. High points if you're able to totally drench them and send me a picture cos I'm probably stuck in traffic right now and need cheering up.

6. Okadas are the mosquitoes of the road. Fact.

7. Road signs and signals are there for decoration. No one obeys them. I saw a stop sign the other day and my friends and I burst out laughing…. I also laughed at the recycling bins I saw in Onikan, but that's by the way. Do stop at traffic lights though. The traffic officers will come after you for a bribe quicker than you can say "…" If you've got tinted windows on your car you better be rich or have a high ranking officer on your payroll because otherwise, you will be funding some officers' drinking habits and even paying school fees for them. My friend that had to drop 12k one night (and still has tinted windows btw… clever boy) will tell you.

8. Very few people use their signals or "trafficators". Using those in Lagos is like telling the people in the lane you want to enter to speed up and bar your way please. So most people don't bother. My friends yell at me when I actually slow down to let people in. Apparently I'm silly for wanting to retain my civility. Oh well… live and learn. Being female sometimes gives you an advantage if you smile prettily at the guys to let you in. They might stalk you after that and demand your number in return but hey…

9. It is never anyone's fault when someone hits your car. Even if the other car was coming down the wrong way and hit your parked car, reversed and hit it again… it's not his fault. Nooo….

10. If your car breaks down on a deserted road or on third mainland bridge at night… or even during the day and you don't have a tow truck in your pocket and/or you're alone in the car, throw the keys away from you and run. Very far and very fast.

11. If you use your blackberry in your car in slow moving traffic, you'll notice that the hawkers suddenly pay you extra attention and are extra anxious to show you their wares. If your window happens to be down while this is happening, you may find a gun pointed at your head and a polite agbero motioning for you to hand it over. The leds of fancy phones attract them.

12. You can buy anything in traffic. Anything! From cleaning supplies, to puppies to mail order brides. I know people that have furnished entire houses using stuff they bought in traffic.

13. A two lane road can and will become a six lane road at many points during the day. The chances of you leaving these situations with your side mirrors intact are quite slim. A one way road…. Meh… I don't think I need to say more. Drivers will move out of their lane and into your lane (going the wrong way) to avoid a pothole.

14. LASTMA officials cause more accidents than potholes and drunk drivers combined. FACT!

15. Lagosians drink and drive like it's going out of style.

If after everything you've read you still want to drive in Lagos, then my advice is to get a very big all-terrain vehicle with a massive grille. And you must believe that all the other drivers are insane. Because they are.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone provided by Airtel Nigeria.

No fair!

So I'm on my way to the small brother of hell this morning and my brother is jetting off to Spain. Life just isn't fair oh!
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld from Glo Mobile.

Can You Feel The Heat?

The past week has been nuts to say the least. From my driving experiences in lagos to shitty Blackberry service (Airtel I'm looking at you) to preparing for youth service. Just crazy crazy crazy...

Its early in the morning here and I no get ginger to write everything but I'll slip in updates here and there.

I'm presently on way to concentra... I mean orientation camp and I'm mostly too sleepy to feel excited or even scared. I'm sure that will come later... There will be a lot of issues to deal with such as lack of privacy, unhygienic facilities... Etc. People say that its a bit like boarding school. Well I went to a private boarding school so I'm pretty sure it won't be the same. I've been struggling to find experiences in my past to compare what I'm about to embark on to but so far everything just seems like decadent luxury in comparison... EVEN my boarding school days.

Now let's talk about what's been going on till now (I'm stuck in lagos traffic already so that's kind of jarred me awake). We'll start with my blackberry. As you probably know, it has been my lifeblood here. I've no internet, my lappy is still in obodo oyibo, haven't met too many people yet and I don't like tv. So my sole source of entertainment has been my blackberry... And a book occasionally (I'm reading chronicles of Narnia. Yes I'm deep). So anyway, when I first landed in Naija, I started using the Glo network. They are notorious for poor service so I only purchased a week's worth of BIS thinking I would switch once I got to Lagos. Well that was all fine and dandy. Then I got to Lagos and asked around for the best network. I was told Airtel. Great. So I got an Airtel sim, topped up with 3k worth of credit and then got the service activated (before that I had to jump through hoops to get my sim registered before I could use it. They are so serious about that here oh. They take fingerprints, address, mother's maiden name etc...)

So anyway I registered my sim, paid for service and readied my fingers for some copious bbming... But alas... It was not to be. The damn thing refused to work. Nary a bbm or whatsapp or even facebook message could I send. Imagine my despair. So I began frantically dialling customer service. If you've ever tried to reach any customer service in Nigeria you know what an ordeal that can be...

Anyway.

I finally reached the people and I wanted to get to the bottom of my bb issues. They asked the usual inane questions. Have you registered, did you pay 3k? Etc... Then they said oh can we look into this further? Then basically bid me get the fuck out. A few minutes later I got a text saying that they were looking into my issue and I will get a notification once it is resolved. The next day I got a text saying issue resolved. I reset my bb six times!!! But still no joy. I went to a service center and was told bb service was down. So that was day 3 without bb. I asked if I would get extra days because of the lack of service and I was told no. Imagine! Anyway after nearly a week without service, I quietly went back to glo and bought a month's worth. I just lost 3k for nothing. E no go better for them kmt! Mehhh dis tori don too long sef.

I'm gonna go take what will probably be the last peaceful nap I have for three weeks.

I'll be back soon with the story of my driving experience :)
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld from Glo Mobile.

Doesn't Feel Like Home

I'm in Lagos now. I thought I would be excited but I'm just kinda blah. My house is empty of people and it just feels miserable. I miss my siblings. As much as they annoyed me they made my house feel lived in and filled it with laughter. Now it feels like... I dunno. A disused museum maybe.

I can't wait to start work, and I hope that I'll come home too tired every night to feel lonely.

It's been a rather unpleasant day all round, from finding out my boyfriend has again postponed his plans to return home to not getting the hairstyle I wanted and not being able to find anything I needed at the supermarket. Today brought home for me just how tough this year is going to be.

I'm not regretting my decision to return... It just doesn't feel like home yet.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld from Glo Mobile.